Living: A question of what and how.

#Copland #Promise of Living

I don't want to write. I just want to cycle through the thoughts and emotions but don't want to painfully release them.  I've been sad these past few days. Certainly of my own doing. I have to get through this next "change" phase which I've yet again brought upon myself.  Leaving a job is always easy the moment I leave it and always devastatingly difficult when I realize I have to find a new one. Not to mention being cooped up, sick, for nearly three days with little outside communication or activity.  Many times, and often people don't believe me, I am quite lonely.  It brings me back to my ongoing theme of the year....living! According to Mr. Webster, living is the state of being alive, thriving, being active.  Sometimes, I feel I have the being alive part down but to what degree.  I certainly don't feel like I'm thriving and well, active?  Ha, I'm not the run and jump kind of girl.  Which brings me to self motivation and an unwillingness to change.  I so easily recognize this perpetual flaw of mine and so strictly resist changing my ways.  I desire to be more active, more self motivated but it is far easier for me to find reasons NOT to do something than to do it.  Was this learned behavior? Was I merely taught to accept? Why am I always my own worst enemy, yet it is wrong to want to grow and change? Very conflicting ideas I have towards this topic.  All I know is, when given to much time to actively think while being rather inactive, I slip into the abyss of contemplation, pensiveness and sometimes even despair.  This poor cycle must change. I must light an eternal flame under my rather lazy ass before I look back and realize, I never lived at all.  I don't particularly care for life. Rather, I should say this life in which I feel I had no choice to live. Perhaps, if my life were under different circumstances,  living in a parallel universe in which society was completely opposite from what today's is, or if I were in a different socio-economic class, I might feel differently.  But alas, I don't.  I have always felt a misfit, a victim to a society I don't particularly enjoy and yet when I experience joy it truly is that, joyful! I digress.

There is so much more to me than what people care to know or seek to learn further of. However, I put it out there for all of you to see. This is the real me, or at least a part of the real me.  A me who is often confused by how to live, what rules to follow or break and how I may learn to live, truly live as to feel that I have done good.

Aaron Copland: The Promise of Living: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLM_YTnmLto