Back from the Brink

A year and a half ago I started this blog and never continued it as I had promised myself. You see back then, little did I know, I was spiraling out of control. So much so that I wanted to die. I wanted to end my life so that I no longer felt overwhelmed. There I said it.

In October of 2009 I hit rock bottom. A kind of bottom I had never experienced before. Sure I had always experienced life one paycheck at a time and sure I felt lonely and frustrated with no loving partner or an established singing career, but this feeling was unlike any other, this feeling was all consuming. It wasn't simply sadness, it was fear and I had no idea how to control it or how to rid myself of it. All that I could hear was that hope was lost, that my life would be better if it were over.

My troubles of having no money or a romantic relationship or a new show to look forward to remained important to me but this time the fear of living outweighed them all. The unbearable stress of not knowing how to manage my life came across me like a tornado, unexpected and quick, wiping out all possibility of hope. I found myself walking for hours on end, having no destination in mind. I'd walk dozens of blocks, popping into shops and staring at racks and shelves of merchandise not knowing what I liked or for how long I'd like it if I did at all. Where was I headed and why did I feel so helpless and lost? Would this feeling ever subside.

It did subside now and again but with each day a new circumstantial trigger would set off the fear and I'd snowball back to the mindset of death. "This can't be it. There must be more," I thought, but there wasn't. Instead I found myself perched on a Brooklyn curb rocking back and forth, crying and thinking about how I could get myself up to NY Presbyterian Hospital. Instead, I spent the day balling my eyes out at a friends home only to return back to an empty Queens apartment later that night. It was time. Time to take action, time to no longer resist the inevitable, taking control by giving it up!

More to come in future blog entries, but now on to the music....

Like all previous entries, I have never heard this piece before. I am not sure why I chose Penderecki tonight but this piece depicts specifically the emotion I felt in my description. Please do not watch the video, rather solely listen and contemplate the emotions I portrayed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwaEOyOw9tk